Self-Compassion and Mistakes
Lessons of the Week
1/16/2023
Hello Friends.
I had to really sit down and force myself to write this one. I thought I'd been staring at the screen for half in hour, but in reality, I've been staring at it all week. I've been avoiding.
Therapist tip: unlearn that avoidance, shame, and silence in areas that scare you mean 'safety'. They don't. The temporary feelings of relief they give are an illusion. Long term, they only add to your agony. Moving along...
This week's theme was all about being a learner in my own life and it didn't feel good.
I came to share with you the work I did, so you can start from a different (less hectic?) place. But before I tell you what work I did, let me tell you the juicy details on why I had to put in work.
It's now the third week of January. I’m sure you’ve hit a few barriers by now. Is any of this familiar?
You didn't do what you said you were going to do.
You spent more money than you intended to.
You're yelling at your spouse and children.
You feel like you let your manager at work down.
You're lying to the people around you about how you really feel.
You feel like you let yourself down.
This is what I've gathered from people over the last week or so. It resonates with me. What these all have in common is that we feel like we are making mistakes. If we think we are getting it wrong, the temptation is to stop right in our path and go back to safety (e.g. decide we're going to do something else). It can also mean we are struggling to navigate any outcomes, consequences, and spaces as a result of these mistakes.
This was my struggle this week.
I feel like I hurt somebody.
There, I SAID IT.
I think I hurt somebody. I don’t mean I aggressively or intentionally, but rather emotionally, unknowingly and unwittingly. I think I didn’t know enough about a situation, and I hurt somebody. I made a mistake.
I sat. I stewed. I was angry. I was sorry. I was resentful. I was hurt. I was scared. I felt lonely. I hated them. I hated me. I spent the whole week trying to avoid, discount, blame (me and them), get revenge, wish bad things upon, feel pity for, and on and on and on. After all, there is something in me that feels it is honorable to get and stay angry. The temptation to hide from others, avoid my pain, and escape was severe. I’d been playing music, listening to Audiobooks, and even noise as I was trying to sleep to avoid hearing with my thoughts. But all that got me was exhaustion AND suffering.
Even though I felt angry, guilty, and not worth my salt for the week, I am coming back to those pain points now for the lesson I needed in all of it.
Here’s why this is all important.
Sidebar: I trust that you are narrowing down where you are satisfied in your life and where you are not, so you can concentrate your efforts, like we talked about? If you're not, return to the articles from earlier this year and get to work!
Over the last two weeks, we’ve been talking the about defining our goal areas clearly before we act on anything. Mistakes, lack of knowledge, strange things, bad things, unfair things, are going to happen along the way. We need to prepare our mindset for them.
We need to strategically prepare psychologically, emotionally, and mentally for mistakes along the way.
And I don’t mean an oversimplified, commercial and superficial acceptance of “ahhh yes, mistakes will happen”.
I mean a gut wrenching, lose your appetite, down-on-your-knees kind of self-forgiveness, wholehearted accountability, empathic understanding, and lesson-planning for the outcomes you didn't prepare for, but happened anyway. You need to learn how to synthesize your lessons and keep going, perhaps in the same direction that you were before.
Because you encounter mistakes does not mean you are 'getting it wrong.' In fact, it means you are willing to be wrong, so you can get it right. Write that down.
Anybody who has been in therapy with me before has heard me say that perfection is a lonely, isolated place. Perfect people rarely have mistakes to report because they don't put themselves strategically in a position to make mistakes. They only have success to report, but success is easy when you scan ahead for 'failure' and decide not to go there. You learn nothing new.
When you make mistakes, you learn about who you are.
And nothing mystical here. I mean, you learn your tolerance levels for sharing your tender spots with other people. You learn your willingness to course correct quickly. You learn how your critical thinking either helps or hinders you. You learn what personal boundaries you have in place for identifying relevant life lessons. You learn to trust or distrust your aim towards narrow targets.
Your goals are now a narrow target.
How often do you set yourself up to hit narrow targets? Maybe not often, because the likeliness of hitting the target with a 90-100% accuracy each time is a lot to ask for. Your pride would not be happy if you starting losing too often. Maybe your friends or family would not be too happy, either? IT IS A LOT TO ASK FOR.
Friend, why aren't you asking for a lot?
Are you telling me that you have so much time on this globe, you can aim for large, less meaningful targets and brag to your friends about them, rather than smaller, more meaningful targets that intrinsically motivate you? Hmmm.
While the word ‘mistake’ doesn’t feel like it quite captures how I felt about what happened last week, it was clear. I had a profound sense of self-hatred in the aftermath of making mistakes. But it didn't help me perform any better. Blaming myself for not being wonderful that week, didn't pay the bills.
As a therapist, I often say this. You cannot outrun you, any part of you. Here's the good news: YOU DON'T HAVE TO!
I'm going to tell you why. They key to sitting with your own discomfort, no matter how it is caused, is self-compassion. You have to learn to exist with all parts of yourself at different times of your life and different stages of your experience.
Here's an anecdote if you like stories.
I had a conversation with one of my favorite humans this week, and this is what she said on the topic of mistakes we feel guilty for making:
"Mistakes only have the power we give them. We give them their weight. The more weight they have, the heavier they will be and harder to get rid of. But, its only as heavy as you allow it to be— that is called grace. You may have to work through consequences, but you have to forgive yourself. Grace is allowing yourself to decide how much you are going to suffer."
This human is alluding to a part of self-compassion called mindfulness.
Recovering from the mistakes we made does not require a pattern of shame, self-blame, manipulation, rage, or avoidance. Not saying that you won't have those feelings, but those feelings are not required to learn and improve. In fact, when you make mistakes, you might be terrified, abashed, and embarrassed. It's okay. Normalize the experience of having feelings and not running from them.
Accountability for mistakes is not the same thing as punishing yourself for making them. Correction does not require self-punishment or self-blame, but does requires self-compassion.
Kasey, are you REALLY going to try and sell us on ye ole 'be your own friend' wagon?
No. Self-compassion as a practice is a long-term investment. You may be nice to yourself as your own 'friend' because it suits you temporarily. If you grew up anything like I did, you think being your own friend means being hard on yourself no matter what you do. Those. are. lies. I want to be nice to myself all. the. time. Especially when I feel undeserving. There is nothing impressive about taking care of yourself when you feel good. To do it intentionally, because you feel bad, well, that is gold.
If being critical of yourself as a primary strategy worked, it would have worked by now. I am inviting you to be with your experiences in a different way.
Being self-compassionate is a deeper understanding of yourself, far beyond what is visible to you and others on the surface. I have spent years teaching people how to be self-compassionate in therapy and I would say I am still an amateur on the subject, but let me share what I know.
The Three Elements of Self-Compassion + Example + Practice
The Three Elements of Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is a loving, connected, presence. When we are in this state, our relationship to ourselves, others, and the world is transformed.
"Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?"-Dr. Kristin Neff
Mindfulness is being aware of moment to moment experiences in a clear and balanced manner. We are open to the reality of the moment, allowing everything to enter our awareness without resistance or avoidance.
Common Humanity is a sense of interconnectedness to other humans. All humans are flawed and constantly evolving. Making a mistake is not the exception, it is the rule for all of us. Mistakes are inevitable.
Self-kindness is the tendency to be as caring towards ourselves as we are towards others. We are supportive, warm, unconditionally accepting, and encouraging, and aim to protect ourselves from harm.
I Used Self-Compassion
As a way of relating to myself differently when I made mistakes. I opened myself up to the position of being a learner of my own life and mind.
This was by no means linear, but this is more or less what I did that aligns with the three components.
Mindfulness: I invited myself to be with what I was thinking and feeling, without resistance and avoidance. I stopped avoiding what I wanted to feel. I started to put the pieces of what happened together in a more balanced way. I noted what the repeat emotions were and gave myself permission to feel them, as ugly as they were. I said them out loud to myself so they weren't a secret anymore. Therapist tip, what is done in secret, usually has shame around it. Anything that you feel compelled to keep a secret may have more to do with shame than privacy. Privacy is a different matter. "I feel guilty that they are hurt. I feel irresponsible for being a less than perfect person. I want to escape because it's easier than sifting through all of these emotions, where I feel like I am at fault, but don't want to be. I feel embarrassed and also angry with them." I didn't exaggerate, but I didn't minimize either.
Common Humanity: Instead of isolating when I felt vulnerable, I reached out to my people and later, myself. Shame often tells us to keep things to ourselves so nobody knows we are inadequate. I reminded myself that 'feelings are not facts' and leant myself to some emotional vulnerability with a trusted friend. I didn't say I needed my ego stroked, but the opposite. "I feel really embarrassed about how my week is going. I think I just need to find my tribe this week and stay in good company. I don't need to rehash what happened, but rather focus on being connected to other people in meaningful ways. I was tempted to isolate and stew, but I am glad I chose to be here with you." Therapist tip, allowing yourself to have companionship, company, a tribe, friends, or accept love from others when you feel less than desirable is an excellent exercise to put shame in its place. Remember, shame is not visible to other people on the outside, only a feeling to us on the inside.
Self-Kindness: The kindest things I could do for myself was take action and set new boundaries around this. I have a responsibility to protect myself and others from harm, not to predict and control how people will feel or the aforethought to know everything about every everything. I sought consultation with two colleagues so that I might gain insight into where my limitations are and to strengthen my boundaries around the area. I said, "I can be accountable for my mistakes with responsibility, without blaming myself for not knowing what I don't know. I also want to practice not knowing everything, so I can be one of a handful of resources, not the only one."
Now, this is the cliffnotes version, so take it for what it is--a beginner's practice.
There were a lot of additional reflections I had, and I handled them in different ways. More on handling anxiety in upcoming articles.
I know this for sure. I am worth more than my biggest mistake this week.
You already know the answer.
Back to the concept of aiming for a narrow target. Self-compassion helps us aim at what is most important, not just what exists. Our willingness to make mistakes intentionally, and sit with what happens is directly dependent on our ability to tolerate those mistakes.
The road to success means making mistakes, and strategically sitting with the outcomes of those mistakes, through self-compassion. If self-compassion allows me to exist with my mistakes, pain, other parts of self, in a new way, so I may aim at narrow (important) targets, I am here for it.
Being self-compassionate means I am going to start asking myself for a lot. Good. I am inherently worthy of the goals I set for myself and mistakes are inevitable for all people. I choose not to isolate myself and pretend that mistakes make me a bad person while everyone else gets a pass.
Self-compassion will help me stay sensitively attuned to what I need, in service of those goals. Do I need a stronger tribe to help me power through mistakes? Do I need to reflect deeper on why I lean into escapism? (Side note, I was about to take another trip y'all. I couldn't stand being wrong, guilty, or embarrassed, so I was about to literally book a trip to a place where nobody knew me.) What do I need to unlearn to coexist with ALL the parts of myself, not just the parts that are pretty?
Self-compassion may take the burden of being right, AKA being a fortune-teller, off my plate for 2023. I'm ready to let it go. It was an unpaid position anyway.
And for those who follow me on social media, let me tell you the word of the year, like I promised: OPTIMIZE
Kasey's word for 2023: OPTIMIZE
I am not going to say the lessons I had for the past week were gifts. Because, if they were, I WANT THE RECEIPT. They just were. They happened. They exist. I am becoming okay with that.
I will be using self-compassion to optimize my successes this year. I will become more comfortable mistaking mistakes and use self-compassion in my recovery of those mistakes.
I left you with a question last week of: what restores the balance in areas you are dissatisfied with?
Thoughtful answer for myself: Self-compassion. I'm adding to this list as we go on.
Learn more about how to OPTIMIZE your skills this year in coming articles. Maybe you want to hear about something specific? Let me know.
Thank you for being here in this incredibly vulnerable space with me this week.
Did you have lessons this past week? If you find it in your heart to do so, share with me what lessons you found in your living space this week.
In therapy, these are the mindsets we dive into to help meet our goals. Therapy helps keep us accountable to our true selves and figure out what is most important to do in this life.
Practice Place
Lets start with a fair assessment of how self-compassionate we are currently.
Visit this website to complete the full Self-Compassion Scale and get your results calculated.
Take the Self-Compassion Assessment
Activity: Keep a self-compassion journal this week to see if you can relate to yourself with self-compassion. Journal your thoughts as they relate to these three areas. I invite you to connect with at least one area.
Mindfulness: This is often where we get lost in a storyline or run away with the details. Try and narrate a situation without any overpowering descriptors. Mindfully acknowledge your pain without exaggerating.
Common Humanity: We often judge ourselves, which can lead to feeling isolated in a situation. Try writing empathetic responses to difficult feelings or situations using words you might use with a friend. Recall how other people may have experienced something similar.
Self-Kindness: We can often struggle to give ourselves the same generosity, love, kindness, we extend to others. This is not the flex we think it is. Note your verbal and non-verbal gestures and what it means to truly be kind.
Thank you for listening.
