When Stress Management Fails: Living Your Fullest Life Anyway
March was overwhelming and brought up a lot of stuff, didn't it?
This past month brough a lot of changes personally and professionally and when I thought about writing my usual articles, I felt like I was in hiding— from work, my community, and myself. March got the best of me, but that happens. My key takeaway was identifying some pressure points I didn't know I was particularly vulnerable to.
These have been common themes amongst the people I work with, so I thought I'd see if any of these speak to you, too.
You don't need to feel guilty for doing what is best for you.
I love saying this because it's never less true than it is today. We're all affected by this sometimes. I know you are working hard trying to maintain your home, your job, your family, and your future. That is no easy feat. Every day, you are trying to better yourself, break generational curses, and address domestic, social, and economic needs for all the people who depend on you, including yourself. Sometimes the needs pile up without any extra relief and you have to be the one to make decisions that other people may not understand or like. But its okay. You must take committed action and decide what (or who) to be true to.
Healthy guilt serves to change behavior. Healthy guilt says 'I did something wrong and I want to fix it'. It involves making amends and changing behavior. Healthy guilt is good because it enables us to break patterns of behavior that disserve us in the long run. Pay attention to healthy guilt, where you may be overextending yourself, showing up disingenuously, or creating problems for yourself.
Unhealthy guilt is misplaced, disproportionate, and irrational, and keeps you stuck in a self-depreciating cycle where you feel trapped. Unhealthy guilt poses unrealistic options and does not motivate you to change for the better. It is inherently what keeps you burdened. Unhealthy guilt should be reframed into more realistic terms and applied to break bad habits (i.e. serving your 'greater good' instead of your inner critic).
Clear, but kind boundaries are how we navigate life without major disruption to our systems.
Brene Brown, Ph.D, says "clear is kind". One thing I noticed is how often our boundaries become unclear in times of stress and we force ourselves to become super-people and do everything. The unfortunate part is that we become the most unkind to ourselves. Despite wanting/needing to do things differently, we keep pushing our boundaries and sometimes we suffer for it. We can start to envy the lives of other people who seem to have it better than we do (i.e. better means more sustainable). Clear, but kind boundaries help us create a sustainable life that honors the needs we have.
Here is how we can apply this. 'Different' is not bad, inferior, or sub-par. Different is just that—different. Doing things alternatively is how we can practice being non-judgmental and accepting of all parts of ourselves and reality, without compromising ourselves in the process. If we acknowledge that clear but kind boundaries are different than what we are currently practicing, we can open ourselves up to them. Different boundaries will afford us more time, space and energy to commit to what is most meaningful.
You are the gatekeeper to your system. If you are going to bed well after you need, saying 'yes' to the needs of other people, accepting tasks and responsibilities on the fly, and/or are susceptible to being pressured by other people, you may need different boundaries. Remember, the people who attempt to test your different boundaries are likely the people who benefit from you having unsustainable boundaries in the first place. That doesn't make them malicious, nor does it make us weak. It makes us human. And to be humane, you need boundaries to survive without catastrophe.
The most humane thing you will ever do is have boundaries around that which you love.
You have to find passion, pleasure, and reasons for living, even when the pressure to perform is immense.
Do you ever feel like you are 'performing' in your life instead of living in it? Like there is so much chaos or feeling unsettled, you are just going from one set to the next, hoping nobody notices that it's all an act?
Sometimes you've got to get real with yourself—real clear, real honest, and real dedicated to the pursuit of happiness. I can't tell you how often I've had both internal and external dialogue about finding meaningful reasons to get up and do what we do everyday because nobody can do it for us and then didn't follow through. Sometimes short ourselves of so much 'life' in the process that we end like these shells of ourselves, always hoping that happiness is just around the corner. We've got to live like life is a finite amount of time and that pleasure is non-negotiable.
But what if happiness can be around the corner? JUST TRY MY NEW COURSE FOR $1000—no I'm just kidding. If we start looking for happiness, it is always just around the corner. Intrinsic motivation to work another day and do the hard stuff can come from knowing that we are never on the losing end of life. Living a live where you get to do the things that you love is its own reward.
Where did you find happiness this week? Where do you find peace in a time of disruption? How are you celebrating your life?
Go seeking. I want to know what you find.
Practice Place
Here is where we put pen to paper and practice the concepts we talk about.
Practice one of the ideas below.
Separate out healthy vs unhealthy guilt in one important area and make a change in behavior in one of them. Take direct action. Don't dally.
Set one new boundary this week in an important area. If you need to soften the idea to get it done, try using language that keeps options open for you (i.e. "Thank you for thinking of me. I'll be happy to see when this makes the most sense to do.")
Complete one pleasurable activity this week, with no rationalization, monetization, justification, or explanation
