Messages for the Inevitable: 4 Philosophies
I know you are doing your best and your effort is enough.
February was a hectic month. I went into it with a plan and I thought the plan would be enough, but February had a few surprises for me. In the words of Mike Tyson, "Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth" and February certainly punched me in the mouth...
I wanted to use our time this week to remind you of a few things that might help soften the feelings of life not going according to plan or turning out differently, despite your best efforts. We are moving and grooving and that isn't always easy.
But you know what? It is okay. Because I came to the conclusion that no matter what is happened, my first responsibility is to figure out what I need to hear, what I need to know, and who I need to be. Sometimes there is so much noise in the week, we lose sight of the most important elements. These messages help remind me of what is possible, instead of what is going wrong.
Here are four themes that came to me in therapy this week that helped me keep going when the plan wasn't enough. I hope one of these touches you.
The principle of inherent worthiness: you are worthy as a birthright.
Sometimes, we think our worthiness is a negotiation and we struggle to give ourselves rest, relief, or good things until they are earned. Stop this. Stop this right now. In this moment, nothing else is required to display confidence, eat your food while it is hot, or take a break. Visible proof of stress is not required to redeem or act on what you need in this life.
This one is especially applicable for navigating 'mom guilt', being a caregiver, or someone who occupies multiple roles in life (i.e. professional work, domestic work, financial contribution, organizing social and emotional experiences for others, giving away your time, etc.). You don't need to provide proof that you are tired. You don't need to justify why you are asking other members of the household to contribute more. You have not waived your right to hobbies and activities because you have children. You are allowed to eat food while it is warm. You do not need to justify what you have done to naysayers or those who don't pay the bill in your home. Be less concerned about how things may look and more concerned with how they are for you.
You are inherently worthy of what you need to execute the job (motherhood, giving, being a good human, etc.), regardless of how many accomplishments, accolades, gold stars, wins/losses, successes/failures, kudos, audience reviews, or positive moods you have that day. Allow yourself to experience fully this life, and everything in it that was meant for you. Give yourself full permission to believe in inherent worthiness as a birthright.
Benevolence will allow you to make the most generous assumptions about yourself and others.
Benevolence is usually referenced to mean 'kindness'. We want kindness in the sense that we believe the best about ourselves and other people. Benevolence described here is based on what Brene Brown has shared in her books, podcast, and other writings. She asks the question, 'what benevolent boundaries need to be in place for me to stay in my integrity and make the most generous assumptions about you?' When she said this, she was talking about staying away from judging ourselves and other people—essentially making up lies.
We are not looking for an absolute truth, proof that someone else is being honest or forcing anybody to do anything. We are developing a stance that we will only create narratives that uphold our integrity. For example, if somebody asks you for $50 and you don't have it, benevolence means believing that this person has resources other than you and can meet their own needs. It might sound like, "I'm not going to beat myself up. They are capable of planning for what is most important to them, without considering how much I've earned or saved." Or, it could also be that you did have $50, but didn't want to give it to them for one hundred different reasons. Benevolence is telling yourself, " This is how I am maintaining our relationship. I don't want to feel used for my resources. Saying no protects our friendship."
We have a much better experience in life when we hold the position 'my life will be better if I believe the best about other people.' Your benevolent boundaries will allow you to believe that other people are doing their best and so are you. It doesn't require making judgments or shaming other people. It it a way of thinking that uplifts everybody.
You have to communicate what you need from other people.
If you broke your leg and were wearing a cast, other people would know not to invite you dancing. But some wounds, like grief, stress, and other forms of tenderness aren't always visible to other people. We have to use our words and be explicit with what we need from other people. Relying on mindreading as a strategy may ruin your relationships.
Communicate what you need instead of hoping people can intuit the unspoken and become the missing piece. If the person you are angry with now could truly read your mind, I guarantee you they would not be working 9 to 5. Speak your peace into existence.
Your mind is a garden and you are responsible for pulling your own weeds.
Pulling your weeds can be an unpleasant task, so it gets put off and excused until you have to devote hours to what could have been a ten minute weekly task. Pulling weeds can look like telling yourself, "That's destructive. I don't do that anymore", or "I know criticizing myself would be easier, but how can I apply self-compassion here?" or "Worrying is an unpaid position. I am going to choose not to worry and put energy into what I am willing to do about the situation."
As with all gardens, they are much easier to maintain on a consistent basis, rather than overhaul them once conditions are notably bad. We can live more peacefully if we practice maintaining our mind's landscape, including the unpleasant task of pulling the weeds.
I hope some of this has been helpful to you. Let me know what topics you want to read about next time. I'm here for it.
I'll see you next time.
Kasey David
Practice Place
During times of stress, we all need to hear something clear, kind, and supportive. We can learn to strengthen the voice that nurtures us and keeps us going, despite the doubt and uncertainty of life.
This week, let's practice telling ourselves what we need to hear to navigate the tricky places. No excuses. No mean-spiritedness. No second-guessing our instincts. Just good old-fashioned quality messaging.
Let's find our voice and the language that facilitates us being at peace with ourselves.
Find a voice to use. Sometimes it is hard to believe our own inner dialogue, so we need to hear the voice of someone we love, admire, or respect talking to us. I was humbled this week when a beloved client of mine told me that she heard MY voice in times of stress. Select a voice/person whom you would believe if they said these things to you.
Find the language. What do you need to hear that will allow you to make peace with the present? Think about where stress came up this week and what would have allowed you to navigate it without great resistance. Allow yourself to find a message that supports a more peaceful world view.
Apply this voice and the theme you need to hear at least one day this week.
